Humor article originally published in Robot Butt, co-written with Robert Criss.
You’re celebrating the Bangladeshi holiday of Ashari Purnima.
You’re celebrating Guam, Samoan, and Filipino independence.
You’re celebrating the colors red and blue – not white.
You’re celebrating fireworks as a Chinese invention and nothing else.
You’re observing the movie Independence Day and rooting for the aliens.
You’re observing The Patriot and rooting for the British.
You’re observing Jaws and rooting for the shark.
You’re honoring the chance to make bank on Uber.
You’re celebrating your own birthday.
You’re celebrating the birthdays of Nathaniel Hawthorne, Tom Cruise, Rube Goldberg, Koko the gorilla, or Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
You’re celebrating the death days of John Adams, James Monroe, or Thomas Jefferson.
You’re commemorating the founding of a free and equal democracy (Vive La France!).
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